Do you fancy the thought of snaring a massive muscular guy?
Do you see yourself walking around any time soon with a real-life Oscar statuette with all the works–rippling muscles, crisp lines, sharp corners, and like any good bodybuilder, a strong bronze core?
If you are, at this point, toying with the idea, halt!
It would be better to first ask someone who’s actually dated a Greek god. She might tell you some things you’d be distressed to hear!
His gym is impenetrable
When he goes to the gym, it’s as if he enters a nuclear bomb shelter. The outside world gets shut out, and you practically become invisible.
Your invisibility becomes apparent at least three times a week to as frequent as 2 times a day every day.
If he is on contest prep, you can forget about cuddling on the couch, going to a movie, or having some quiet dinner. You will get thrown into orbit like a satellite to his planet: just revolving around him, but never really touching down.
You will be ignored big time. Your calls won’t get through. All your texts will lay wasted in his inbox. If you can live with being the last priority in his list, then go ahead and date one. But don’t say you weren’t warned.
Now, are you the kind who’d burst into pieces if you find no one to share your stories about how your day went?
Then forget about the perennially unavailable Mr. Universe, and just date that ever-present Mr. Friendship from your office who’s giving you the goo-goo eyes.
He breaks wind like a French bulldog
Proteins are necessary for building muscles. Needless to say, a bodybuilder’s diet is heavy on proteins. They eat, drink, and even inject protein–short of marinating a tubful.
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Proteins, when taken in large amounts, just slip right into his colon half-digested. This, in turn, invites gut microbes to go on a feast.
This causes some kind of fermentation in the intestines, which produces the offensive rotten egg smell.
Protein shakes and smoothies that he downs by the galloon are chock-full of lactose. Protein bars, on the other hand, are high in sugar alcohols. These sugars contribute to the production of industrial-strength protein farts.
I can’t even begin telling you about meat and animal proteins. Or if he is vegetarian, beans, lentils, and soy.
His routine goes: (1) eat, (2) sleep, (3) train, (4) go back to step (1)
Dating a bodybuilder is like running a relationship with a robot operating on a rigid program.
He wouldn’t complain even if you left him alone on his own devices.
Once he’s fully charged and got started on his routine, there’s no way for you to switch him off. Getting in his way is the last thing you want to do.
If you want to spend quality time with him, get an appointment a couple of weeks ahead. You may also consider noting down his schedule of activities. Every time you spot an opening, drag him somewhere for a quick bite.
There’d be times when he’d ruin a perfectly planned date because he won’t be able to show up due to a torn ligament or a fracture. You have to understand that it could be that he just wanted to catch up on sleep.
There will be other women salivating over him
He will always be the center of attention wherever you go. Girls will swoon at his feet, and swoop down on him when you’re not looking.
If you have trust issues, then you’ll only get into trouble.
On the other hand, your girlfriends will envy you like how they envied Daenerys Targaryen when she snagged Khal Drogo.
You might be dating a Dr. Jekyll
Anabolic steroid is the potion that will turn your Dr. Jekyll into Mr. Hyde. Abuse of this synthetic hormone results in a disproportional body, and he’d appear caricaturish.
He will also suffer from extreme mood swings. He’d go ballistic for the littlest things some of the time, and then sulk in a dark corner on the next.
You will also have to deal with pathological jealousy, aggressive behavior, and increased paranoia. It would pay that you enroll in some martial arts class.
You have to deal with a narcissist
You’d look like a photo bomber in his selfies. That is if you aren’t already overshadowed by his magnificence.
He will spend hours standing before a mirror contemplating every inch of his musculature.
While at it, he is already deep into planning his next workout with the astuteness of a military general plotting an enemy attack.
He may already be looking like a demigod, but he’d still think he’s less than perfect. He’d whine about his haircut, his tan, his clothes, and sleep deprivation.
So pray that he can still squeeze you in between his visit to his barber, the tanning salon, his favorite boutique, and your side of the bed.
You must also realize that you are part and parcel of his total look. He cannot be going out looking like Perseus while you tag along looking like Medusa on PMS.
He has worked long hours to achieve such perfection. He expects you to suffer as well to earn his respect.
Prepare to take residence in the kitchen
He will be on a strictly regimented diet, especially if he is prepping. He needs to eat constantly to build and maintain muscle mass. By constantly, he means like every two hours.
So while he is eating, you’d already been deep in discussion over his next meal.
You have to be great at counting calories and accurate at measuring ingredients. You can’t afford to make an error in calculations. His tongue would know, and his gut will tell on you.
Within a few months of dating, you must have already acquired enough kitchen skills to qualify for a spot in Hell’s Kitchen.
He will spend all of his money “wisely”
Forget about expensive gifts on your birthdays and other special occasions.
He’d rather spend his fortune on organic food, high-end supplements, gym VIP membership, and everything else he needs to maintain his aesthetics.
He will put your budgeting skills to the test
He will require you to prepare meals you only see on the Food Network. He will nag you about not buying organic food items and substituting ingredients.
Then there’s his stock of supplements you need to keep filled: Whey protein, Creatine, Branch chain amino acids, L-glutamine, Omega-3 fish oil, Vitamins, and Minerals.
You’d be happy if you could still toss in a bar or two of Snickers into your grocery cart after making those purchases.
Dating a bodybuilder is a feat. Spending time and caring about him is like going through motherhood with all the labor pains still lingering long after childbirth.
You have to have the patience of a saint.
You will be dealing with someone who spends more time in front of a mirror than you would. He’d be happier talking to his reflection than he would talk to you to ask how your day was.
You have to tolerate his mood swings, his constant whining, his tight and inflexible schedule, and his narcissistic tendencies.
He goes about his routine in a compartmentalized world involving his gym, your dining table, and your bed. The good thing is you’d be able to locate him easily in case you lose him.
But you are never an exercise buff; you are never a picky eater, and you never like it being tossed around in bed like a rag doll. So for the most part, you won’t see yourself enjoying your time with Mr. Big in those tight places.